And what an appropriate topic for the holiday season: Relaxation Techniques.
I could go on and on about the reasons WHY we feel so tense in our lives. Let me just give a brief introduction to needs for relaxation.
Because we're stressed!
Maybe we try to control everything. We have difficulty trusting others. We have a lot of panic or anxiety. The holidays themselves bring about a whole host of stress, issues with control, trust, and panic - just to name a few.
Remember I can give you a whole host of relaxation techniques (and I will), but it will do absolutely no good unless you learn to do one thing.
Trust in yourself.
You don't have to control, plan, or schedule everything. You don't have to be afraid. You can trust that the plan is already written.
Trust in that you are reading this today for a reason.
Here are your tools, clearly provided. Use them to trust yourself.
(1) RELAXATION SKILLS TO IMPLEMENT CALMING:
This website has a good article that includes an in-depth explanation of:
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
-Focusing on tensing and relaxing each muscle group
Guided Imagery
-Forming and utilizing peaceful images in your mind
This website has more on breathing techniques including:
Slow Diaphragmatic Breathing
-Natural breathing from the abdomen
Discriminate Between Relaxation and Tension
-Sometimes we need to go back to the basics and start at: what does it feel like to be tense? vs. What does it feel like to be relaxed? We may not even know one or the other (or both!)
(2) IDENTIFY, CHALLENGE, AND REPLACE FEARFUL SELF-TALK:
We've been talking about how to do this with my blog entries on "The Critic."
Basically, we replace distorted messages with reality-based alternatives and positive self-talk.
The part about this that we didn't quite get to, was then practicing Thought-Stopping Techniques for worries. The simplest way to explain this, is when you are anxious, imagine a stop sign in your head, and replace the stop sign image with a calming or peaceful scene, such as the one you use for Guided Imagery.
Remember that all of these techniques take practice, practice, practice! Practice everyday, and even write down how you feel you are doing with the exercises. Sometimes it helps to discuss them with a therapist or very close friend who can give you feedback on how you are doing with the exercises.
(3) BASIC STRATEGIES FOR IMMEDIATE RELIEF:
Step #1: Try these first!
-Read
-Get involved in activities/crafts
-Utilize safe places
-Collage
-Think of the negative consequences of being overwhelmed by your anxiety
-Talk with someone and problem-solve
-Use imagery
-Count to 10
-Use positive self-talk ("Slow down" "I can handle this" "Take it easy")
-Think of something pleasant
-Take a nap
-Look at books (i.e. Where's Waldo?)
-Eat a snack
-Be alone/take a time out
-Tear paper
-Change your surroundings
-Take a walk
-Write in your journal
-Do deep breathing
-Watch TV
-Use a comfort wrap (i.e. a warm blanket)
-Talk/Interact with friends
Step #2: When I'm still tense!
-Get out of the house
-Call someone on your support list
-Take a PRN (if applicable)
Step #3: My anxiety is getting dangerous!
-Call your therapist or mentor
Step #4: I am not safe
-Call 911
-Go to the ER
Of course, we hope it never gets to the point that you need to go to the ER, but if that's where you are at, it's better you are ALIVE and SAFE.
In most cases, once people have tried everything on their Step #1, the anxiety passes.
It never lasts forever.
I hope this information is helpful to you, as it has been very helpful for me!
Remember that it's ok to take a break from whatever it is you are working on. Recharge your batteries. The things you are working on will still be there when you come back.
It's ok to be nice to yourself.
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 5
I've done enough rambling. What topics do YOU want to discuss?
View Answers
Sleeping Problems
2 (40.0%)
Relaxation Techniques 3 (60.0%)
Work/Play Balance (Time Management) 0 (0.0%)
Spirituality 0 (0.0%)
Self-Esteem 2 (40.0%)
Relationships 1 (20.0%)
Grief and Loss 2 (40.0%)
Communiciation 2 (40.0%)
Powerlessness 0 (0.0%)
Family of Origin Issues 0 (0.0%)
Physical, Emotional, or Sexual Trauma 0 (0.0%)
Other Trauma 0 (0.0%)
Sexuality/Intimacy 0 (0.0%)
Eating Disorders 0 (0.0%)
Other (Comment your suggestion) 0 (0.0%)
Guess what? I have an exercise to help us do just that!
To begin, write short descriptions of yourself across the following areas:
(1) Physical appearance: Describe your height, weight, hair, teeth, style of dress. Describe specfic body parts that are important to you (such as legs, belly, hands, etc.).
(2) Relationships: Describe your strengths and weaknesses in relating to family, friends, co-workers, and new people.
(3) Job skills: Describe the way you handle major tasks at work.
(4) Daily life skills: Describe the way you handle personal and family needs. Examples include grooming, taking care of your health, and caring for children.
(5) Sexuality: Describe how satisfied you are with your sexual life.
(6) Thinking: Describe your insights on life, skills at learning, and ability to solve problems.
Once you've completed your descriptions, go back and put a plus sign (+) by the items you see as strengths. Put a minus sign (-) next to the items you see as weaknesses and would like to change.
Here is an example for Relationships:
-Employees are scared of me
-I have few friends
-I drink too much at parties
-Phony with friends and closed about feelings
-Don't listen
+Responsible
Here is an example for Sexuality:
+Enjoy sex
-Hate my sexual history
-Embarrassed to be seen naked by my wife
Remember that you are not on a quest to put yourself down or pick yourself back up. There is no right or wrong way to do this exercise. You are just on a quest for self-knowledge. I know, I know. Now you're thinking: But I already know these things about myself! True you may know them (in your mind) but do you KNOW them (in your heart). To really know this information about yourself requires honesty and courage.
And quite honestly, it's a scary thing to look at yourself. Often times we realize the crap we hate about others exhists within ourselves.
As we really get to know our weaknesses, we gain strength. Knowing our weaknesses prepares us for change.
So, now we must take a second look at our weaknesses. Once isn't enough.
Twice likely isn't enough either. But let's run with this.
Read over the items you marked with a minus sign in the previous exercise. Rewrite each of these items with the following points in mind:
Avoid negative or shaming labels. For instance, don't note that you have "buck teeth." Write "I have prominent teeth."
Use accurate language. When you describe yourself, stick to the facts. Instead of writing "I'm fat," write "I weigh two hundred forty pounds."
Use specific language. Avoid words such as everything, always, and never. Describe one event rather than grouping all events together. Rather than writing "I always avoid meeting new people," write "Last Friday night I stayed home insteado f going out with two people I didn't know."
Find exceptions to your weaknesses. Note times when you succeeded or overcame your weaknesses. Identify corresponding strengths. Instead of writing "I never do well at work," write "Last year I completed two projects on time and under budget."
Here is an example for Relationships:
-I have few friends.
Elisa and Alice have been long-term friends.
Here is an example for Sexuality:
-I am embarrassed to be seen naked by my wife.
I am uncomfortable with my body. I am learning to accept my body as it is.
Try your hand at re-writing your weaknesses.
A man's life is what his thoughts make it.
—Marcus Aurelius
For today, however, I wanted to comment on an acronym I hear at my work all the time. It is an acronym from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
S T E P S = Solutions To Every Problem in Sobriety [or] Solutions to Every Problem, Sober
If you are not in recovery from Alcohol, you may want to replace the term "Sobriety" for "Surviving."
Or another "S" word, keeping with the acronym, that seems to fit for you.
What does this acronym mean to you?
To me, it means that change happens in small steps. Don't expect yourself to make some big change overnight. That's just setting yourself up for failure and relapse of your illness (addiction, depression, compulsive behaviors, whatever...)
Change is also painful. Think of the last time you learned something new that impacted your life. It likely brought about thoughts of regret, guilt, and shame. Why didn't I learn this sooner? Life could have been so much better, sooner...
I can't say why. Why we often need to learn "the hard way." But I can tell you this. We can't change the past. No matter how hard a child abuse survivor would like to change the past and have a real chance at growing up healthy, it can't happen. No matter how hard an addict would like to change the past and make something of themselves rather then wasting years obsessing over their next hit, it can't happen. But what CAN happen is we can learn from our past.
The beauty about life is our ability to change. And to embrace and love that change, one step at a time.
Oh, that one could learn to learn in time!
--Enrique Solari
Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my day off. It's nice just to have "me time" every now and then.
But it is so easy to get into the trap of loneliness and just stew in it!
So, I'm sitting here going "boo hoo, I'm so lonely...so sad..." when I hear: "crunch. crunch. crunch. crunch."
I am so grateful for my dog not being able to eat at her food dish. She must go get food out of her dish, bring it over next to me, and eat it. Then, run back for more and the process repeats.
Made me laugh.
What are you grateful for today?
To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.
TWLOHA Day is this Friday, November 13th. Please show that you support this cause by writing the word "love" on your arms. Be creative! Just try not to use permanent ink. ;)
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
More here.
I’m going to take a break from self-criticism and talk a bit about criticism from others.
How do we take criticism? Should we take criticism? What do we do if we feel hurt/angry/etc. about the criticism?
People often abuse the ability to give criticism, sadly. They use it as an opportunity to verbalize disapproval, scorn, or to outright attack.
Perhaps we don’t need people like this in our lives. But that does not solve the issue: handling criticism.
Throughout life, we are told of things we CAN'T do. We can't touch the stove or we’ll burn ourselves. We can’t be an actress because it’s a waste of time. As a result, we fear criticism of others and when it happens, we take it to heart.
We feel one person’s criticism undermines the responses from 20 other people. We get so focused on one person’s negative response to us that it drains away all the positives we have in our life.
Remember that you can detach yourself from negative criticism.
BUT…you don’t have to take it to heart.
People make mistakes. It’s part of being a human being.
If there are two hundred people in a room and one of them doesn't like me, I've got to get out.
—Marlon Brando
Part 4: Question your beliefs
By now, you should have three beliefs that have the strongest effect on you. Take some time (more then a minute, more then one sitting), to really explore these beliefs.
Ask yourself two questions of each belief:
(1) IS THIS BELIEF TRUE? What evidence do I have that the belief is true? What is the evidence against this belief? Does this statement always hold up?
(2) DOES THIS BELIEF HELP ME? Is this belief useful? Does this statement promote my happiness and well-being? will this thought be a positive factor in my recovery?
Be honest. Disarm the Critic!
Part 5: Rewrite your beliefs
Don't continue on to this next step until you have given yourself ample time to honestly answer the questions for all 3 beliefs in Part 4.
Now is your chance to truly challenge the Critic. In the previous step, you spotted holes in the Critic's beliefs. Next, replace those self-defeating beliefs with new ones that:
- affirm you
- allow for new ideas
- allow for growth
- avoid words such as must, don't, always, and should
- stand up to your own testing
Write down your three self-defeating beliefs in the Old Belief column. Then rewrite each new belief in the other column.
Try to read these new beliefs daily. Live by them each day. Read them and check in with yourself. If you begin to feel comfortable with the new beliefs over the next few months, they are probably helping you. If you do not feel comfortable, you may need to sit down and re-write them again.
In life, we admit our wrongs. We seek answers. We ask for help. We are meant to get as much as we can out of life. We can't sit and watch. We have to get out and live.
More on this next time!
Here is the last list on helping you discover what are your current beliefs.
BELIEFS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:
- What my partner says or does reflects on me.
- If my partner is attractive or unattractive, it reflects on me.
- My job is to improve my partner.
- My partner is supposed to take care of me.
- Men (or women) can't be trusted.
- Men (or women) want only one thing.
- My partner can't survive without me.
- I can't survive without my partner.
- I can't attract (or keep) a good person.
- All the good men (or women) are already taken.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
2nd checklist...
BELIEFS ABOUT THE WORLD:
- People can't be trusted.
- People don't want to listen to me.
- The world is not a safe place.
- If I'm happy, something bad will soon happen.
- The world won't survive and neither will I.
- Life isn't fair, and I can't handle that.
- People can't be trusted.
- The world owes me a living (or needs to take care of me).
- Most other people areh appier and better off than I am.
- You need to be smart, rich, powerful, and attractive to be happy.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
In order to change our beliefs, we need to look at what we believe right now. Today I present a list of beliefs you may have about yourself. Check the ones that affect your thinking.
BELIEFS ABOUT YOURSELF:
- I should never make mistakes.
- I must please others to be worthy.
- If people knew me as I really am, they would not like me.
- To please others is better than to please yourself.
- I am not capable.
- I am not a worthwhile person.
- If I died, noe one would notice.
- My opinions don't count.
- My thoughts are dumb.
- I am a bad person.
- The bad things I've done cannot be forgiven.
- I am not as smart as others, so I'm no good.
- I don't deserve pleasure.
- I will not be attractive in the future.
- I am not capable of loving people.
- I must live up to my parents' expectations.
- I am powerless and helpless.
- I should never be angry or irritable.
- Unless you worry about a problem, it gets worse.
- If I am a good parent, my children will be perfect.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
- _____________________________________.
We all have parts of self. Good and bad.
The Critic is one of these parts. The Critic is the one who constantly says unfair things about you. Have you ever thought to yourself: "I always say stupid things." or "I never do anything right." That's the Critic. It survives on the following core beliefs:
1. That you have to be perfect.
2. That you have to please others.
3. That you live in a hostile world.
The Critic ignores your strengths. It eats away at your self-esteem. When the Critic takes over your mind, you're at greater risk of suffering or returning to harmful behaviors. Some people find it helpful to catch the Critic at work. Then, they have been able to start the process of replacing the Critic's voice with more effective beliefs.
The first step is keeping track of your self-attacks for one day. Self-attacks are also referred to as put-downs. Keep a small notebook with you or jot down on a piece of paper whenever a self-attack comes to mind.
EXAMPLE:
1. Argued with a customer. I'm a jerk.
2. Criticized the mechanic. I have no patience.
3. Forgot a customer's name. I'm such an idiot!
4. Yelled at my wife for not having a late dinner with me. I'm a lousy husband.
5. Missed Billy's baseball game. I'm a horrible dad.
Over the next few entries, I'll build off this exercise so keep it handy. We are going to talk about disarming the Critic and choose new beliefs to support yourself. But first...we need to look at what your beliefs are currently about yourself, the world, and about relationships.
Good luck and be well. Remember that weaknesses are only parts of your life that you are changing!
- Mood:
busy
What do you think of when you hear the word "self-harm"?
In my line of work, this usually means some kind of direct injury inflicted by the person. This is done deliberately. It carries with it a huge stigma.
Today I wanted to talk about the many forms of self-harm or self-destructive behaviors. We have all engaged in some form of self-harm during our lives. Unfortunately, some people have suffered much in their lives and fall into a pattern of self-harm as a means of coping. That is a good entry for another day.
But before we could ever continue to discuss such a topic, a definition for self-harm must be put into place. According to Kristy Trautmann and Robin Connors, authors of Self-Injury: a workbook for adults, self-harm exists on a braod continuum ranging from body-altering to risk-taking behaviors.
Body alterations:
This is a direct, self-chosen change made to the body. It is often done to conform to some type of group or cultural norm. In my line of work, I often see individuals who have spent years in jails and prisons come out with specific tattoos, piercings, etc. There have also been documented cases of individuals engaging in cosmetic surgery, eybrow plucking, and ceremonial scarring.
Indirect self harm:
These are behaviors that can indirectly cause harm physically or psychologically (or both). Externally, it may not be apparent that the intent is to cause harm. Examples include substance abuse, overeating, excessive dieting, excessive exercising, smoking, staying in a negative relationship, and poor nutrition.
Failure to care for self:
This includes denying onself basic needs (groceries, shoes, books, medical care, rent, heat, etc). Individuals may have a pattern of performing "underachieving" jobs or being often "under-employed." This category also includes excessive risk-taking behaviors, and denying onself of sexual pleasure.
Self-Injury:
This term includes direct, purposeful acts of harm to the body (that do not appear to fit in body alterations). Examples include cutting, burning, bruising, head banging, etc.
What ways have you self-harmed in the past?
What ways do you self-harm now?
What ways do you think about self-harming but don't actually do?
Have you self-harmed before, during, or after experiencing difficult feelings?
You may want to share your thoughts/answers with a safe person.
You don't have to do anything harmful to yourself.
You don't have to hurt.
Be with people. Stay with people. Listen to people. Laugh with people.
I want you to remember that there are people out there who understand what you are going through. You are not alone in your struggle.
Work on increasing your relationships with people whom you respect.
Who could give you helpful feedback within your family?
Who could give you helpful feedback at work?
Who could give you helpful feedback at your place of spirituality?
Who could give you helpful feedback from your support group?
Which of your friends can give you helpful feedback?
Which of your physician/health care workers can give you helpful feedback?
Which counselor / sponsor / mentor / role model can give you helpful feedback?
Letting Go of the Past - Part 1
In part 1, I wrote about loss and anger. I asked the following:
How does your anger fulfill a need or want or serve as a form of protection?
Write down 3 things you gain from hanging on to your anger.
How does this anger negatively affect my life today? Try to at least go for 3 answers to this question.
And finally: Are you willing to let go?
Letting Go of the Past - Part 2
In part 2, I defined forgiveness and reconciliation. I talked about how forgiveness as important FOR OURSELVES.
What do you think about forgiveness?
What do you think about reconciliation?
List 3 situations in which your anger hurt others.
List 3 situations for which you feel you need to be forgiven.
CONCLUSION:
Holding on to anger and resentment can cause us to distrust ourselves and our judgment, since we often think and act in ways that go against our value system or moral code when we react on anger. We may even begin to hate ourselves.
List 3 negative thoughts you think about yourself most often:
1.
2.
3.
When considering the negative, we always want to consider the positive. Make a list of (at minimum) 3 positive traits about yourself:
1.
2.
3.
Now consider some positive things you can do for yourself. Note: not what others can do for you. At the end of the day, we are our own leader, we are our own caretaker. Write down whatever makes you feel good about yourself.
1.
2.
3.
Take some time today and relax. Begin to experiment doing some things for yourself. Forgiveness is simply being good to yourself. If appropriate, and if you choose to, you may look into making amends with others. This is totally your decision. I have chosen not to write about forgiveness towards others because in a lot of situations, the other person does not feel as intensely affected by our hurt and anger as we do towards ourselves.
However, if forgiving others is important to you, you may want to talk this over with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor.
Remember what you have done over the past few entries. These steps can be replicated any time you feel you are having difficulty letting go of some type of loss, hurt, anger, etc. Remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. And most importantly, forgiveness is for YOU, not them.
Lastly, don't be afraid to ask for help. There are people in this world who will understand or who will be willing to understand what you are going through.
Leadership. What does it mean to be a leader? Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term "lead" as "to guide in a way especially to go in advance."
Do you feel like your life is advancing? Are you doing what you want to do in life? Are you a leader?
All groups of people in life need a leader. This is why we elect a President in the United States to lead the nation. At work, we have a supervisor or boss to lead our team. They are charged with the responsibility of deciding what is best for all and being passionate and caring about what they do.
Likewise, you are the one who has been charged with leading your own life. If you do not feel you are a natural born leader, then someone in your life did not take notice of your strengths. We are all born to lead our own lives. Write our own story. Climb our own mountains.
So, what does it take to make a good leader?
What do you expect of a good boss? What do you expect of the President? I would expect them to be open to new ideas and challenges. To have a diverse understanding of opinions. I would expect them to be responsible. You can't get by avoiding or denying the issues that face the world.
For yourself, it is important to be open to suggestions and accept criticism as a new way of perceiving your actions. Not as reasons to start a fight or beat yourself up. A good leader recognizes they need feedback from others, from people whose opinions s/he respects.
For yourself, it is important to be aware of what is going on around you, in your community, in the news. Stay informed and always keep learning. Practice little ways to be responsible in life. Preview what to expect tomorrow. Spend time each day to review what is going on inside you. Write in a journal. Express your feelings and thoughts creatively in a different way each day (color, paint, draw, collage, sculpt, write lyrics, play music, sing, create poems, stories, plays, etc.)
Being a good leader means being involved with people. A good leader doesn't isolate or distance themselves from others. They give back and listen to others concerns and comments. They communicate with the people they lead.
Do you practice awareness of your life story that has been written thus far? History repeats itself. We must learn from our past.
Do you feel compassion for yourself?
Do you share your struggles, pain, and fear with others?
Are you willing to address your concerns and work on problem-solving?
Can you make decisions?
Communicate with yourself, be aware of the steps you choose to lead - to write your own story. You are in control whether you believe you are or not.
I hope you are all doing well out there on the interwebs. :) I've actually been sick, but I am hopeful that I will feel well soon.
Last time, I talked about "Letting Go," particularly as it pertains to anger and loss. You may want to re-read the last post, or your answers to my questions from the last post.
The last thing I asked was: What have you decided? Do you want to hang on or let go? What is it you are WILLING to do? Not necessarily what you SHOULD do.
Well, this leads me into everyone's favorite discussion: Forgiving.
I prefer to use the definition of "forgive" as it applies to money, such as "forgiving a loan." In this fashion, to forgive means to grant relief.
So, when making the decision if you are ready to "let go", you may want to ask yourself: Do I want relief?
The first thing to remember about forgiveness is this:
Reconciliation MAY NOT HAPPEN if you forgive.
To reconcile can mean a variety of things. If you are angry at someone, reconciliation may mean you can become friends again. To reconcile can also mean "to restore harmony" or "to accept something unpleasant."
When people seek forgiveness, they are often looking towards the ultimate goal of reconciliation. Just keep in mind that sometimes, it is not always possible.
Have you ever thought that sometimes: Reconciliation is not always needed? Take a womam who was sexually assaulted. She may never want to have contact with her attacker again! Her primary goal would be to quit dwelling on the attack. Forgiving helps her let go of her past and once and for all expel the attacker from her mind.
Forgiveness is possible even for those who have died or moved away. No matter what your reason, keep in mind that forgiving is a gift to ourselves. It results in freedom from our past.
Forgiveness is also possible for ourselves. We hurt ourselves by holding on to our resentments and anger. We also hurt others, intentionally and unintentionally, by hanging on to our anger.
We may need to spend time, first, examining how our anger led us to take actions we may not be very proud of.
List 3 situations in which your anger hurt others.
List 3 situations for which you feel you need to be forgiven.
What do you think about forgiveness?
What do you think about reconciliation?
Be patient with yourself as you think about these questions. As I suggested last time, talk them over with a trusted friend, spouse, other family member, mentor, etc.
To be concluded in Part 3...
But in the meantime, while I am writing it and thinking about it, and reading over your excellent comments (thanks for those who shared so far, I really appreciate you allowing me to hear your experiences!!)...I decided to make a brief post on Sexual Minorities.
I was reading Dr. David Mee-Lee's monthly Tips and Topics E-Newsletter, and this month he was sharing his experiences at an Addictive Disorders Conference he attended in Cape Cod, Massachusettes. He had a guest writer, Joseph M. Amico, M.Div., CAS, LISAC, share the highlights of a workshop he ran at the Conference entitled, "What Every Counselor Needs to Know When Working With Sexual Minorities."
It was a great guest article, and I only wish I could have attended the actual conference. Anyway, following the article, Dr. Mee-Lee made a brief comment on some more tidbits from the workshop. One of the comments centered around the term Homophobia.
Mr. Amico discussed how he preferred to use the term Heterosexism. At first, I have to admit I just glanced over the term because I was skimming the article between sessions. Then, I started thinking about it. Homophobia vs. Heterosexism. They are meant to mean the same thing. But as I continued thinking about the terms, Heterosexism became clearer to me as the more appropriate of the two.
By just utilizing a different word, we get the full illustration of what Homophobia was really meant to mean. And how interesting that our choice to originally use the term Homophobia instead of Heterosexism puts into PLAIN SIGHT what is really going on...the prejudice and bias against LGBT individuals, comparable to racism, ageism, classism, and sexism.
Any "ism" is used to describe inequality and rejection of people who are different. This has clearly been the case for the LGBT community for generations, and perhaps never such as in the public eye as over the past 5 years regarding marriage rights.
And yet...even clinicians...originally decided to rest upon the term Homophobia. I propose we continue what Mr. Amico has coined, and use the correct term to clearly, yet simply, discuss the truth. Heterosexism is the real issue here. One that results in people being treated unfairly, unjustly, and leads to many life-long problems such as low self-esteem...and even death! For what?
So others can continue to feel superior?
Well, that is the real sin.
It is normal in life to experience loss and have difficulty getting past it. The important thing is that we realize there is no set time limit for us to "get over" troubling circumstances, whether it be the death of a loved one, loss of a friendship, or some abuse/trauma from our past (for example).
Letting go of our past does not mean we pretend like it didn't happen in order to continue living life. We must honor our past, no matter what we've experienced. If you are having trouble dealing with your past, first recognize and accept that you may be angry. You don't need to find out WHAT you are angry about, or WHO you are angry with at this time. Just allow yourself to accept that you are angry, and that is okay. It is part of being a human being.
Now, what is the purpose of your anger? I know this seems like a strange question, but just hear me out. How does your anger fulfill a need or want or serve as a form of protection? Think about this. Write down 3 things you gain from hanging on to your anger.
Did you write down 3 things? Now, write down your losses. Ask yourself how does this anger negatively affect my life today? Try to at least go for 3 answers to this question.
Read over your responses. You should have 3 gains from hanging on to your anger and at least 3 losses as a result of hanging on to your anger. Read them outloud. Share them with someone.
The next step is up to you. You must decide whether or not you are going to hang on to this anger or let it go. Don't be concerned about what you SHOULD do. What is it you are WILLING to do? Don't ask "Am I ready to do this?" Forget about that. The only thing you need to be concerned about is if you are WILLING to let go.
Only you and you alone can make that decision.
What have you decided?
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